Love > Fear

Oh I'm tired of it. In the words of the late Kristin J., "I'm so over it." If that were the case, why is it still biting me? I think there is a point I'm missing.

I had a terrible dream during my Thursday nap time. I think it stemmed from conversation at work. The type of conversation that has graphic imagery. With each passing year, I have relegated to the fact that G-rated really is for me and that R rated isn't rated for this "R". My dream wasn't R-rated in the usual sense. I'd rate it PG-13. You don't see what you don't need to see but are aware of what is being suggested. It's scary. But you don't see it.

And people, I don't need to see it to experience panic. Fear.

At one point, I was in control. Just look away. A cut away moment (scene change) had me in another part of the dream. Unreal things were happening. And the unthinkable happened. I found myself trapped. But alive. And did the only thing I knew to do. As soon as I woke I wanted to cry. The only thing I knew to do after getting on the other side of this dream. But immediately, I felt thankful. Thankful it wasn't real. And was glad to be alive. Thank you, God.

I don't like feeling this way. Anxious. Over the unknown.

I got up and made dinner. My elementary PB&J. I reflected. It's just my way.

I arrived at this- fear can't hurt you. It can make you miserable if you let it. This past week I have been put up against baby-step fears and decided to meet them face-to-face. I didn't think about it until now. And I have to tell you, I'm worn slap out because of it. What girl learns to flip a kayak, handle expensive camera equipment, drive thru construction zones, tackle water sports (what I could physically try) and keep showing up to work and still have energy? Apparently, this one. Until tonite. When I decided a nap was a good idea. My point is this. I have had opportunities to experience the unknown. And to it I said, (quoting my buddy Rebecca Z.) okay. "This is not an option. This is what we're doing." And went in. In some cases, quite literally, head first. I had fun. Who knew. But not all fear is like this. I get it. I've been in a place with it where there wasn't a happy result after the anxiety subsided. I had to make one. When I woke this evening, I called my boyfriend. We've shared dream stuff before and figured it was my turn. He didn't answer so I left a voice mail. I told him I wasn't sure I could discuss my dream, but would like to hug him. Send happy thoughts. And giggles. These are real things. Real happy things. Happy things that are a part of showing and sharing love with another soul in this world. I made a decision. I wasn't going to let fear control me tonite. And moved on to how I'm blessed.

His perfect love really does drive out all fear. I'm alive and allowed the opportunity turn things around. To jump into the unknown. And share happies. It may not be what the hokey pokey is all about, but life just may be. Love>Fear.

Fear Love, satan. You're no match. :)